Years ago when I was married, everyone thought my wife was the nicest person in the world. She was wonderful with others, but not with me. Each day I would come home from work, turn my key in the door, and wonder, “What will she criticize me about today?”

Eventually, I said to her, “You’re so kind to all the people you meet, but you treat me really poorly. Why don’t you try the reverse? Be terrible to the general public and be super nice to me. Get your anger out with them instead of with me.”

We ended up getting divorced.

But the point I was trying to make was this: it’s important to purge our anger. When we don’t purge our anger and we bottle it up instead, it’s eventually going to come out one way or another. Some people blow up at their loved ones. Others keep it buried deep inside, which can lead to all kinds of health issues.

I love to do this exercise with students where I ask everyone to pair up with a partner. Once paired up, they stand face to face, palms pressed firmly together. Then, I ask them to take turns pushing against their partner’s palms as hard as they can.

“Now try it without smiling,” I say after the first round, challenging everyone to resist the impulse to soften into shyness. 

Most of us have been taught that being nice is good. And being angry is bad. But when we try to be nice all the time, chances are high that we will eventually snap, and that anger will come out in the wrong place, at the wrong time, with the wrong people. 

I encourage you to spend some time this week reflecting on how you manage and express your anger. 

Here are some common anger styles to be aware of:

Aggressive 

People with an aggressive anger style express anger in a hostile way that involves trying to control other people and situations. They have a hard time compromising and backing down. They might even manipulate, threaten, or humiliate others to get their way.

Passive 

A person with a passive anger style is conflict-avoidant. They have trouble setting boundaries and stating their needs. They often feel guilty in response to feeling angry, so when anger does come up in them, they’ll talk themselves out of it and pretend everything is fine. Over time, using a passive anger style can negatively impact a person’s sense of self. 

Passive-Aggressive 

People with a passive-aggressive anger style are a blend of passive and aggressive. They express their anger more quietly than aggressive types, but still communicate their anger through body language, behavior, or gossiping behind the backs of those who upset them. They may withdraw love, attention, or affection to cause a reaction in a person they’re angry at, but they’ll avoid naming their feelings and communicating their needs. 

Projective-Aggressive

A person with a projective-aggressive anger style will appear calm on the surface when they are angry because they resist owning their anger. Instead, they pass off their anger to others, hoping others will express it on their behalf. For example, if a person with a projective-aggressive anger style gets cut in line at the grocery store, they might say to their partner, “That person cut in front of me,” prompting their partner to assert anger on their behalf. Or they might provoke another person to get angry at them in an argument to avoid expressing their own anger first.

Assertive

People with an assertive anger style are open and direct in their communication rather than expecting others to read their mind. They take responsibility for their actions and decisions. They’re able to honestly express their needs and boundaries while still respecting and considering others. An assertive anger style is the healthiest of all the types. It’s what we should be aiming for. 

Remember, it’s normal to feel angry sometimes. We all do. Anger is not a bad thing as long as we own up to it and express it responsibly—rather than allow it to control us or negatively affect our loved ones.

Which anger style are you? Do any of the above types resonate?

I’d love to hear from you on social media!

Sources:

[https://myhopewell.com/5-anger-styles]

[https://www.purewow.com/wellness/anger-styles]