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Setting healthy boundaries is a common struggle for healers, given our innate desire to help and serve others. But without proper boundaries, it’s easy to give too much and burn out.

Some common challenges around establishing boundaries include:

• How do I know when to push past fear versus when to honor my limits and stay in my comfort zone?

• How can I set boundaries without feeling anxious and guilty about disappointing others?

• What if people think I’m rude or selfish if I set this boundary?

• Why do I make exceptions and break my own boundaries for certain people?

Many healers are survivors of trauma or struggle with people-pleasing and codependency, which can make setting firm boundaries even more difficult. Our intuitive and empathic nature helps us deeply attune to others’ emotions, but being open and giving can make us vulnerable to being taken advantage of.

It takes work, but setting healthy boundaries is possible for healers, even with a history of trauma. And the rewards of that self-care are immense. 

Here are tips I’ve found helpful:

Get Clear on Your Limits

Develop a strong sense of self by reflecting on your core values and deal-breakers. What actions cross the line for you? Where are you weak at creating boundaries–with children, a spouse, parents, dating, yourself? 

Set Boundaries Compassionately

Approach boundary-setting with kindness. Assert your needs clearly without blaming or attacking others. Instead of criticizing, express your feelings and suggest collaborative solutions. For example, if your partner misplaces your keys after borrowing your car, address it with compassion: “It was frustrating when I couldn’t find my keys. Can we work together to ensure this doesn’t happen in the future?”

Align Words with Actions

Consistency is key. If you set a boundary, follow through by making sure your behaviors match your words. If you tell your boss you can’t work past 5 p.m. but consistently work past 5 p.m., it sends a mixed message, compromising the integrity of your boundary.

Present Boundaries as Personal Policies

Instead of telling a coworker, “I don’t want to go to your party,” you can say, “I don’t go out on weeknights. I need time after work to recharge and take care of personal responsibilities.” Anytime you present a boundary as a universal policy, it minimizes the chance that others will take your boundaries personally.

Manage Pushback

There are going to be times when others challenge, ignore, or deny your boundaries. When this happens, address it promptly by reiterating your boundaries and giving consequences. For example, “If you continue that behavior, I will have to end our conversation.” Then follow through. Recognize when to disengage from unhealthy relationships that undermine your well-being.

Set Clear Boundaries with Yourself

Extend boundaries to personal habits. Limit activities that don’t serve you, such as excessive social media or unhealthy foods. Think about what limits a wise, loving parent would set for you and follow through. 

Create a Support System

Surround yourself with friends, a coach, or a community who empower your growth and accountability. Seek relationships with individuals who not only understand the importance of personal limits but actively support your self-care journey. 

Remember, you are not selfish for setting boundaries; it’s an act of self-care. Even Gandhi and Mother Teresa had needs! Honoring your needs creates space for joy and enables you to connect with others from an energized, loving, authentic place. 

You’ve likely heard the airplane analogy by now, but you need to put on your own oxygen mask first, before attempting to help those around you.

Establishing and maintaining boundaries is an ongoing practice. No one wakes up one day and says, “I think my boundaries are set for life!” As relationships evolve and change, we need to continuously re-evaluate our boundaries, allowing ourselves to evolve and change too.

Where are you weak on boundaries? Please share your insights on Instagram and Facebook!

Or click one of the buttons below to share this article with a friend.

Recently, I surveyed healers worldwide for insights to include in my upcoming book, Heal the Healer. 

I was moved and floored by the responses I received. From the United States to Japan to Australia to Pakistan, healers around the globe face similar struggles related to caretaking others, emotional exhaustion, and burnout. Many are still recovering from post-pandemic trauma and stress. And many had valuable self-care tips and strategies to share.

If you responded to the questionnaire, thank you. I am still sorting through the many replies I received and will be featuring some of your stories in my book.

In the meantime, I believe in the power of community and our ability to support each other’s healing. So I wanted to pass along the top advice healers offered in response to this question:

“What advice can you offer fellow healers to prevent or address burnout?”

Here are the most common themes shared by your community:

1. Fill your cup first. 

As they say, you can’t pour from an empty cup. Focus on your own health and self-care before pouring energy into others. Make self-care a daily habit, not a “maybe if I have time” luxury.

2. Master the art of “no.” 

Set boundaries and stick to them. Know your limits and don’t overextend yourself. Protect your precious time and energy.

3. Aim for progress, not perfection. 

Ditch the superhuman expectations and celebrate small wins. Make mistakes. Be messy. Let go of unrealistic expectations of yourself or others. 

4. Find your people. 

Find supportive friends, mentors, therapists, coaches, or peers who understand the demands on healers. Ask for help when you need it. You’re not in this alone.

5. Listen to your body. 

It communicates when you’re stressed or need a break. Tune into signs of emotional, mental, physical, or spiritual exhaustion and take action. Your body communicates what it needs.

6. Check in with yourself. 

Throughout the day, ask “What do I need right now?”

7. Be a guide, not a fixer.

Your role might be to support clients or others you care for on their journeys, but you are not responsible for saving or fixing them. Try not to hold yourself to unrealistic expectations.

8. Trust your intuition. 

Let your inner wisdom guide you.

9. Give yourself down time.

For instance, maybe you thought you needed 10 minutes between client sessions, but you need 30. Maybe you thought you could handle six clients in a day, but you can only handle two. Make time for rest and fun, not just work.

10. Know your triggers.

Notice situations, people, or thoughts that rev up your stress and limit exposure for self-preservation.

11. Don’t compare yourself to others.

Everyone’s journey is unique. Don’t let comparison derail your progress.

12. Allow divine flow. 

Relax rather than force things. Practice the art of surrendering. Trust that what’s meant for you will come as long as you live in alignment with your truth.

I hope these tips and reminders help you nurture yourself as you nurture others. Please share this article with a fellow healer who may need the reminder.

We’re all in this together!

Years ago when I was married, everyone thought my wife was the nicest person in the world. She was wonderful with others, but not with me. Each day I would come home from work, turn my key in the door, and wonder, “What will she criticize me about today?”

Eventually, I said to her, “You’re so kind to all the people you meet, but you treat me really poorly. Why don’t you try the reverse? Be terrible to the general public and be super nice to me. Get your anger out with them instead of with me.”

We ended up getting divorced.

But the point I was trying to make was this: it’s important to purge our anger. When we don’t purge our anger and we bottle it up instead, it’s eventually going to come out one way or another. Some people blow up at their loved ones. Others keep it buried deep inside, which can lead to all kinds of health issues.

I love to do this exercise with students where I ask everyone to pair up with a partner. Once paired up, they stand face to face, palms pressed firmly together. Then, I ask them to take turns pushing against their partner’s palms as hard as they can.

“Now try it without smiling,” I say after the first round, challenging everyone to resist the impulse to soften into shyness. 

Most of us have been taught that being nice is good. And being angry is bad. But when we try to be nice all the time, chances are high that we will eventually snap, and that anger will come out in the wrong place, at the wrong time, with the wrong people. 

I encourage you to spend some time this week reflecting on how you manage and express your anger. 

Here are some common anger styles to be aware of:

Aggressive 

People with an aggressive anger style express anger in a hostile way that involves trying to control other people and situations. They have a hard time compromising and backing down. They might even manipulate, threaten, or humiliate others to get their way.

Passive 

A person with a passive anger style is conflict-avoidant. They have trouble setting boundaries and stating their needs. They often feel guilty in response to feeling angry, so when anger does come up in them, they’ll talk themselves out of it and pretend everything is fine. Over time, using a passive anger style can negatively impact a person’s sense of self. 

Passive-Aggressive 

People with a passive-aggressive anger style are a blend of passive and aggressive. They express their anger more quietly than aggressive types, but still communicate their anger through body language, behavior, or gossiping behind the backs of those who upset them. They may withdraw love, attention, or affection to cause a reaction in a person they’re angry at, but they’ll avoid naming their feelings and communicating their needs. 

Projective-Aggressive

A person with a projective-aggressive anger style will appear calm on the surface when they are angry because they resist owning their anger. Instead, they pass off their anger to others, hoping others will express it on their behalf. For example, if a person with a projective-aggressive anger style gets cut in line at the grocery store, they might say to their partner, “That person cut in front of me,” prompting their partner to assert anger on their behalf. Or they might provoke another person to get angry at them in an argument to avoid expressing their own anger first.

Assertive

People with an assertive anger style are open and direct in their communication rather than expecting others to read their mind. They take responsibility for their actions and decisions. They’re able to honestly express their needs and boundaries while still respecting and considering others. An assertive anger style is the healthiest of all the types. It’s what we should be aiming for. 

Remember, it’s normal to feel angry sometimes. We all do. Anger is not a bad thing as long as we own up to it and express it responsibly—rather than allow it to control us or negatively affect our loved ones.

Which anger style are you? Do any of the above types resonate?

I’d love to hear from you on social media!

Sources:

[https://myhopewell.com/5-anger-styles]

[https://www.purewow.com/wellness/anger-styles]